The Fortress is in Shambles

August 21, 2016

 2014 was filled with some dramatic highs and lows. The first part of the year brought a lot of professional drama and stress. By mid-year however, I was in a much better space. While the work stress continued at my day job, I was a happy girl and in a relationship with my best friend. I found a balance between the amount of tension that work brought me with the happiness I found outside of the office. If your only complaint in life is that you aren't happy at work, you're a pretty lucky person. By fall, I was making art sales, attending my first two art shows and moving blissfully along in my personal life. 


Less than three weeks in to 2015 and I'm finding a similar pattern to the last year. So far, there is a fair amount of stress and sadness in both my day job and personal life. My relationship with my best friend ended only a few days ago but it feels like years ago. The amount of sadness, pain and apathy that I have been feeling is directly proportional to the amount of happiness I found with him. Everything reminds me of him. We never fought in the months that we were together, so I don't have any "bad times," to try and focus on. There are only good memories of peace, laughter and safety. Unfortunately, for me, I manage anger much better than sadness and I would probably be more productive right now if I were angry. He had encouraged me to let down the walls around me and now the fortress I had built around myself is in shambles. However, he is still my best friend and I still love him immensely. I pray that I will be able to hold onto the friendship and not need to cut ties as I move through the stages of mourning. 


Fortunately, I have an amazing mother and sister who have let me cry and hyperventilate on the phone and on their shoulders. They have crawled into bed with me and sat on the couch with me and just let me be. 




My brain is telling me to paint, clean, go for a walk etc. My heart is taking over and just wants me to be a zombie until it can put itself back together. Before the split, I was actually looking forward to not hating Valentine's Day, had ideas for Valentine-related designs and could draw a heart (a common feature in my work even before the relationship) without feeling pain. Now.. it's a little bit of a different story. 


My hope is that this year will continue to follow the pattern of 2014. I hope to get the bad stuff out of the way early on so that I may enjoy the majority of the year in happiness, tranquility and success. In the days to come I will try and be less of a zombie and more like myself. I don't think this is going to be easy. 



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