Lift Myself Out of the Dreariness

August 21, 2016

Because I'm a painter, people encourage me to paint my feelings when I'm upset. I've never been much good at that. I like painting things that make me feel good. I don't want to paint something that will bring up the pain I'm currently feeling so that I can depress myself with these same emotions every time I look at it. I want to paint in order to lift myself out of the dreariness, not wallow in it. 


I've always known that I'm sentimental but recently I've learned how I intentionally or subconciously embed memories into nearly everything. Right now, those wonderful memories are painful reminders of something/someone I seem to have lost. 


I began to prep a painting yesterday when sadness suddenly snuck up on me without much warning. Instead of fighting it, I gave in to the sadness. I tried to do as I have been advised and paint what I was feeling: deep sorrow, I don't give a fuck, am I always going to feel this awful? ... I didn't care how much paint was on the canvas, where it went or what it looked like. I dug into the paint and canvas with my palette knife so forcefully I thought I was going to rip it up. At that point I dropped what I was doing and began to sob loudly and agonizingly into my hands as I covered my face. I was done and so was the canvas.


Now that canvas will be placed in the back of the closet so that I can't look at it and depress myself everytime I see it. Maybe in time I will be able to look at it without feeling sadness but that won't be anytime soon. For now, it's a job for my happier, more uplifting canvases. 




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